The Ugly Volvo (theuglyvolvo) wrote,
The Ugly Volvo
theuglyvolvo

And I know everyone else loves this, but I hate it. Sorry.

Maybe I grew up in a cynical household or maybe my heart is too black to enjoy the music of the season but I am developing a serious hatred of this "Christmas Shoes" song. Every time I hear it I want to look the songwriter straight in the eye and say, "Sir-- you have been the victim of a juvenile con artist."

My sister Pam's eyes tear up when she hears this song, but I have no doubt that if faced with a similar situation in real life she would violently confront the child, asking, "WHO MADE YOU DO THIS? DID YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP TO THIS? SHE'S GOING TO USE THE MONEY TO BUY DRUGS, SWEETHEART, SO DON'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER FOR HER."

And as if the song weren't enough, it was made into a MOVIE, starring Mr. Rob Lowe, since apparently Sam Seaborn is still trying to recover from his stint in "Atomic Train."

Here are some of the actual sickening lyrics:

Sir I wanna buy these shoes, for my Momma please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.

Oh, and sir? Could I have some cab fare because I need to get home and I don't have any cab fare.

They're what? Bloodshot? Oh-- that's an eye allergy.

Marks on my ar--oh THOSE marks on my arm. Birthmarks. Yes, they do look sort of disgusting.

Hello? Could this be any more of a hoax? And why is this kid so concerned with the footwear his mom will be sporting when she kicks the bucket? Doesn't god love you regardless of what you're wearing on your feet? Is this some sort of religious fetish? Every time I hear that line I picture Jesus as some greasy club goer, hanging around the pearly gates hoping to score, approaching newly-dead women with the line, "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
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  • I Have a New Blog Because Hey, It's Not 2003 Anymore

    I started this blog when I was 23 and moving from Los Angeles back home to New York. I was young and had no idea what I was doing with my life. It's…

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    So I go to the tub this morning to see a tiny black bug—no bigger than a tomato seed and teardrop shaped—crawling around near the drain of our white…

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