The Ugly Volvo (theuglyvolvo) wrote,
The Ugly Volvo
theuglyvolvo

Deck the halls with ugly stuff my mom got at Boscov's

Like many families, we decorate the inside of our house for Christmas. We accumulate new decorations each year and are at the point in our life where we have absolutely nowhere to store them. We wouldn't have enough room to store them if you gave us an enormous storage facility, like, say...the Philippines.

And yet there are a few I would be happy to get rid of.
And by "a few," of course, I mean we could dispose of 97 percent of the ceramic elves and wreaths and bows and sprays and glass Christmas trees with M&Ms and Hershey Kisses inside of them.
However.
There are some decorations which are so unbelievably awful I couldn't imagine what we were thinking when we purchased/found/made them, but they've become so much a part of our family that Christmas wouldn't be the same without them around.

1.) The ball that you plug into the wall that makes it sound like there's a bird in the house. This brilliant idea emits elongated chirping noises every seven seconds and is a great way to drive people up a wall. A favorite pastime of Pam's is to take this ball and plug it in somewhere obscure so that the entire family has to dig through piles of presents in order to find the damn thing and shut it off.

2.) The dead reindeer hanging from the chandelier.
These are the beanbag reindeer given out by Burger King about 14 or 15 years ago. My mother bought 6 of them because this certain variety (The Ramona Reindeer) shares a name with her deceased mother. And no, they are not "technically" supposed to be 'dead,' but if you have these, please drape their limp bean bag bodies over your light fixtures and tell me how alive they look to you.

3.) The giant santa hat my mother bought for the rocking chair to wear.
This one really just makes me doubt my mother's sanity more than anything else. Is it commonplace to buy outerwear for pieces of furniture? What's next-- knitting sweaters for the chess pieces?

4.) The baby Jesus Clothespin.
This one has become a running joke in the house and it's not uncommon to pull back your bedsheets to find that someone has hidden it there. It is Karen's kindergarten-produced replica of what the baby Jesus would've looked like had he been a clothespin with googely eyes and a weird headpiece made of dried glue. He comes complete with "manger" created from half a plastic cup lined with shredded drinking straws.

5.) The rocket penis.
My all time favorite christmas decoration which, sadly, has been discarded by my mother, came from Karen's brilliant idea to take a plaster of paris cast of a human toe and stick it on the end of a flesh colored missile. Missile Toe. It was supposed to be a play on words. It wound up being a phallus with rocket launchers and tail fins. I believe my mother's words were "There is no way we are hanging that fucking thing from the ceiling."


(And while everyone knows what you do under the mistle toe, in answer to the question "What do you do under the rocket penis?" If you're smart, you duck.)
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