The Ugly Volvo (theuglyvolvo) wrote,
The Ugly Volvo

Flowers, flowers everywhere, but not a drop to drink.

May is 'the month' for our family, in that the entire 31 day span is a barrage of birthdays and holidays and gifts to be purchased for family members.

It is also, this year, the month for flowers. We have so many flowers in our house right now, in various states of decay, that anyone walking into our kitchen can safely assume we have either had a close relative pass away within the last few weeks or I or one of my siblings has won an ice skating championship.
We have used up all the vases and have started putting them in pitchers of water. If we get any more we will start putting them in pots or pans or asparagus steamers. And if we get any more after that we will feed them to the dog.

Why, you ask, are these flowers such a problem?
Because while flowers are nice, too many flowers, are not nice.
While some roses on the dining room table look nice, some roses next to some carnations, next to some gerbera daisies, next to some more roses (Which are dead and should have been thrown out a week ago) are not nice.
While a floral arrangement in the center of the kitchen island looks nice, several floral arrangements on the kitchen island do not look nice. Several floral arrangements make us look like a florist shop. Several floral arrangements makes us look like we collect flowers the way other people collect coins.

But I'll shut up now because anyone complaining as much as I am about getting flowers from people should be shot in the face with a dart gun. As retarded as our kitchen looks right now, it's still always so nice when someone actually shows up with a bunch of flowers and hands them to you like a giant, conical baby.
So if anyone feels like showing up at our door with more flowers, I'll break out the asparagus steamer. And if anyone can get my mom to throw out her mother's day roses which, at this point, have the texture and consistency of bran flakes, I'll bring YOU flowers.

Lots of them.

  • I Have a New Blog Because Hey, It's Not 2003 Anymore

    I started this blog when I was 23 and moving from Los Angeles back home to New York. I was young and had no idea what I was doing with my life. It's…

  • An Actual Conversation We Had This Morning

    So I go to the tub this morning to see a tiny black bug—no bigger than a tomato seed and teardrop shaped—crawling around near the drain of our white…

  • They grow up so fast

    My mother and I are sitting in her glacier-colored Volkswagon Passat, outside a Panera Bread in the parking lot of a strip mall. She is on her lunch…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.