October 1st, 2004


Things that would've made last night's debate more interesting.

When it comes to Bush or Kerry, I'm for Kerry, but when it comes to Bush, Kerry, or Non-Boringness, I cry out to be entertained. Here are my suggestions for how last night's debate could've been slightly more bearable.

1.) Using the blue background behind the candidates as a blue screen, and either projecting famous landmarks onto it, or showing re-runs of The Daily Show.

2.) If every time those little traffic light things on the microphones would change, we'd hear a rumbling noise and Mario Go Karts would take off across the screen.

3.) Instead of the plain wooden podiums, the podiums would have blue TV screens in their bases in which the candidates would have to write their first names in big, scribbly white handwriting. Also, if every time John Kerry looked down to write something, they had played the final Jeopardy theme music.

4.) They had not only gone with the blue television podiums, they had included a third podium for Ken Jennings and given him a place on the ballot.

5.) BOTH of the candidates, not just Bush, had addressed Jim Lehrer personally, as if his vote would decide the entire election.

6.) If after Kerry had written something he was forced to show the audience what he had written. Or if he had, at the end of the debate, done that Dennis Miller thing where he scribbles on the papers and then shoots them off the edge of his desk.

7.) If Lehrer had asked Bush to spell "syzygy."

8.) If Bush didn't refer to Vladmir Putin as "Vladmir."

9.) If there had been two other candidates named "Paul" and "Ringo."

10.) Not watching it.

And just as a note regarding that bit about the "Pottery Barn Rule: You break it, you fix it," isn't that "You break it, you bought it?"
Having worked in Pottery Barn, I can safely tell you that if you break something in the store, glue it back together, and then try to put it back on the shelf, you're so stupid you might just want to run for president.