September 14th, 2004

Volvo

Suite A

I may have mentioned this before, so if you'd like to chew me out for having a horrible memory, please stand in line.

I work in Suite B of my office building, which is nice, but not as nice as Suite A because Suite A usually has food lying around. Once in a while someone in my suite will bring in food, but it's usually something crappy, like tomatoes from someone's garden or a box of cookies shaped like the number 4-- more often than not the bulk of the "free food" is in Suite A. I've found sandwich wraps, cheese and crackers, gourmet chocolates, cupcakes, pastries, salads, bagels, and that one time early this year they were serving Mimosas, but I still haven't figured out what was happening there. Needless to say I go in fairly often to see what's lying around that I can eat.

However, Suite A is very out of the way and the only way I'd go in there normally would be to get supplies. And not that I'd get in trouble or anything, but I feel bad using them for their food. I feel like if someone catches me going in there solely to see what food is lying around, this will somehow come up on my yearly evaluation.
To prevent this sort of reputation from forming, I make a big, elaborate display, every time I go in there, of pretending to go get supplies and being sidetracked by the food. But I don't want them to think I'm taking advantage of their supplies, since that's even worse, so I just go in there for Fed Ex slips because those are something that people go through fairly regularly that don't arouse an unnecesary amount of suspicion.
Still, I'm terrified that someone will see me in there, taking one Fed Ex slip while my eyes cautiously dart over to the food counter, and will say, "I feel bad that you have to come in here so often. Here-- why don't you just take a bunch of slips?" And then I will say, "Oh no, I couldn't possibly," and run out of the room like I've just forgotten about a very important fax that I must retrieve at once.

Any excuse to go in there works for me.
Whenever someone in my office needs something, I volunteer to go get it.

Them - "Does anyone have any soft CD holders?"

Me - "There's some in Suite A! Don't worry-- I was headed over there anyway! I'll go get them right now!"

Them - It's all right. I'll get them. I don't mind."

Me - "No, it's my pleasure. Please. Don't get up. STOP. SERIOUSLY. DON'T GET UP."

And as I walk in, determined to complete my "mission," I see the table piled high with today's muffin platter and endless bag of pistachio nuts.

"Oh well look at that!" I say. "Food!"

And with my "pleasantly surprised" look etched onto my face, I begin to load pistachios into my pants pockets.