May 20th, 2003


Flowers, flowers everywhere, but not a drop to drink.

May is 'the month' for our family, in that the entire 31 day span is a barrage of birthdays and holidays and gifts to be purchased for family members.

It is also, this year, the month for flowers. We have so many flowers in our house right now, in various states of decay, that anyone walking into our kitchen can safely assume we have either had a close relative pass away within the last few weeks or I or one of my siblings has won an ice skating championship.
We have used up all the vases and have started putting them in pitchers of water. If we get any more we will start putting them in pots or pans or asparagus steamers. And if we get any more after that we will feed them to the dog.

Why, you ask, are these flowers such a problem?
Because while flowers are nice, too many flowers, are not nice.
While some roses on the dining room table look nice, some roses next to some carnations, next to some gerbera daisies, next to some more roses (Which are dead and should have been thrown out a week ago) are not nice.
While a floral arrangement in the center of the kitchen island looks nice, several floral arrangements on the kitchen island do not look nice. Several floral arrangements make us look like a florist shop. Several floral arrangements makes us look like we collect flowers the way other people collect coins.

But I'll shut up now because anyone complaining as much as I am about getting flowers from people should be shot in the face with a dart gun. As retarded as our kitchen looks right now, it's still always so nice when someone actually shows up with a bunch of flowers and hands them to you like a giant, conical baby.
So if anyone feels like showing up at our door with more flowers, I'll break out the asparagus steamer. And if anyone can get my mom to throw out her mother's day roses which, at this point, have the texture and consistency of bran flakes, I'll bring YOU flowers.

Lots of them.