And I started to make fun of her for buying this ridiculous-looking How-to guide before she stopped me and reminded me not to judge a book by its cover and took the time to read to me from its pages. And I only wish I could remember the title of this damn book, because I recommend it as a must-have for anyone's at-home library. Not just for it's clever romance re-kindling ideas such as "Go out for pizza together" or "Kiss." But for the other "ways to show someone you love them" which I jotted down on index cards, half-heartedly stuffed in my backpack, and uncovered just now while I was looking for my nail clipper.
Some of the many ways you can show someone you love someone:
"Needlepoint a belt for him"
Needless to say this is a moderately creative idea, as I did not even know it was possible to needlepoint a belt. Bear in mind that this is only appropriate if a needlepointed belt will not be seen as detrimental to his masculinity. In order for this to work, not only must he be in touch with his feminine side, his feminine side must have a horrible sense of style.
"Pop the big question"
"Say yes to the big question."
A powerful creative mind is at work here.
"Accept her collect phone calls"
And it goes without saying that when you answer them, try not to scream at her for coming home in a drunken stupor every night or for spending the last of her quarters on Pinball games, which she plays for hours in her drunken stupors, being that nothing cures her drunken stupors like Pinball. Why are you dating this woman again? Also, be sure to accept her calls from prison and agree to pay her bail.
"Embroider matching chambray shirts."
But make sure the colors won't clash with his needlepointed belt, as it is inevitable that he will want to wear them together.
"Pay for her braces."
And pay for a prostitute to keep you entertained while your girlfriend looks like an extra on The Mickey Mouse Club. Also, don't complain when her rubberbands shoot out and hit you in the face.
"Entertain him with a 'This is your life' party."
This is only advisable depending on the type of life your significant other has led. For many men a "This is your life" party will send them spiraling into a decade-long depression.
"Put sunscreen on his bald spot."
No, really. He will love you for this. Why don't you run it on his ever-expanding gut while you're at it, so your fellow beach-goers can get a handle on ALL of his physical shortcomings. Why not write out the size of his diminutive penis on a banner and have it trail behind one of those beach planes with the advertisements on them, in case there were people who were too far away to get a good look at the fabulous male specimen with which you travel.
"Keep each other company to avoid being scared on Halloween."
Both of you are pathetic and deserve each other.
"Refrain from trying to run her life."
But don't expect her to stop trying to run yours.
(The following are two of my favorites)
"Buy him the winning Lotto ticket."
"Unconsciously hum the same tune."
Do you have ANY CONTROL over either of those things? This book was priceless, really...people will publish anything...
"Kidnap him for a breakfast surprise."
Because nothing says 'I love you' like being stuffed into a trunk and taken out for waffles.
"Complete the jigsaw puzzle that he was unable to finish."
And as he's beaming with adoration toward you, make sure to rub it in his face that he isn't even enough of a man to finish a jigsaw puzzle.
"Pray for each other."
Because if you are in a relationship with someone who purchased this book as anything other than a joke, you are going to need all the help you can get.
"Tie the knot."
I encourage this above all things, to assure the rest of us that the two of you are off the market.