The Ugly Volvo (theuglyvolvo) wrote,
The Ugly Volvo
theuglyvolvo

Ways to Get Rid of Milk (I have no idea what I was thinking here-- I've been a little off all week.)

Let's create the completely hypothetical situation that, out of the 4 people in your household, 3 of them decided to buy milk on the same day. This would be mildly inconvenient, no? Here you are, in a house where only 2 of the four people even drink milk, trying to dispose of 3 full gallon jugs of the stuff just because your parents and Karen have a plethora of communication problems.
"What on earth am I to do?" you wonder. I can't just drink it straight-- I need ideas. I need creative ideas on ways to dispose of milk.
Well look no further, I beseech you. For having been in a similar situation myself, I have come up with several techniques for cleverly getting rid of excess milk.


1.) Milk Stand!

"A Milk Stand?" you say, "But I've never heard of a milk stand."
Of course you haven't! You have yet to invent it. Simply pour the milk into dixie cups and hand them out to anyone willing to stop. Try to look adorable while pushing your wares-- it also helps to look needy...and cold. This last part should not be a problem for those of you who, like myself, are currently living in New York where the wind chill is 20 below and your eyeballs freeze over when you venture outside to get the mail.

2.) Milksicles!

These are what you'll invent if you sit outside long enough at your milk stand.

3.) Milk Cocktails

Add equal parts milk, vodka, orange soda, midori, and blood. Shake vigorously and serve chilled. This mixture will very likely be vomited back up withing five minutes of its consumption. You will then be able to convince your mother the milk has gone bad and she will throw it away.

4.) Milk Soup

Pour full gallon of milk into a pot.
Add chopped carrots, celery, chicken and basil.
Boil until disgusting.

5.) Throwing Milk Out The Window

This idea should be fairly self-explanatory.


You should also be prepared to have other people try to take credit for getting rid of the milk, even though you have been doing all the work. Let's say you have been drinking milk at 5 minute intervals for 2 days straight. (THIS IS ALL HYPOTHETICAL, OF COURSE) You will bring this fact up to your mother, hungry for praise, saying, "Did you see how much of the milk I got rid of? I've been drinking it constantly."
And she, beaming with pride, will say something like, "Oh-- you're not the only one getting rid of the milk. I had a hot chocolate last night."
And she will want you to smile and appease her because she does not usually drink milk, so this thimble-full of hot chocolate is a big accomplishment for her, but at the same time you will want to wring her neck because her tone of voice implies that you and she have helped out with the milk "equally," even though she's the one who refuses to throw it away in the first place and you, by this time, are ready to start dipping your cookies in bottled water just for a change of pace.

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  • I Have a New Blog Because Hey, It's Not 2003 Anymore

    I started this blog when I was 23 and moving from Los Angeles back home to New York. I was young and had no idea what I was doing with my life. It's…

  • An Actual Conversation We Had This Morning

    So I go to the tub this morning to see a tiny black bug—no bigger than a tomato seed and teardrop shaped—crawling around near the drain of our white…

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    My mother and I are sitting in her glacier-colored Volkswagon Passat, outside a Panera Bread in the parking lot of a strip mall. She is on her lunch…