A Few Important Things About Baby Showers, Which I Neglected to Mention to My Sister
Pamela, my dearest sister for whom I care dearly and by whose worldliness I am usually refreshed,


Just three things, by way of baby showers, that perhaps you did not understand.




1.) If you are fortunate enough to be seated next to the babies eventual great-grandmother, who also happens to be your paternal grandmother, rejoice! Marvel at your proximity to this great matriarch. Do not be put off by words of wisdom she might have for the next generation to come. As she watches (with that timeless gaze) the mother-to-be open a package of baby wipes, do not be put off if she turns to you and says something like, "your grandfather uses those on me now."
She may also make helpful suggestions. When the gift unwrapped reveals itself to be a diaper bag, she may make an unusual observation, saying something like, "You could also carry the baby in that." Nod and agree. You could also carry the baby in that. It is unlikely that that will be necessary, but you could.



2.) A baby shower is a time to laugh(babies are joyous!) and have fun and play games. The games you are playing will be simple games. There is no hidden agenda. There are no extra points for creativity and the concepts of sarcasm or satire rarely figure into these events, whose theme colors will usually be pastels. If (hypothetically) you are given a sheet of paper with a list of nursery rhyme beginnings and are told to "complete the nursery rhymes on the count of three!" what they are asking you to do is to complete the nursery rhyme as you remember it from your childhood. They are not, as you mistakenly thought, asking you to think of the line that might best complete the nursery rhyme and fill it in. Please note that if you do this, the judges will be extremely confused when you hand in your paper for evaluation.







3.) We both learned, perhaps, that it is unwise to sign the card attached to your present, "Love, Uncle Ned's Kids," since while you and I might think it is a hilarious call back to the movie "Wedding Crashers," which we enjoyed immensely, the person opening the gifts may not remember this line of the movie and may begin to visibly panic as she tries to remember the new relatives she has recently acquired and begins to sweat, looking around nervously, not knowing who to thank for the basket full of toys and clothes and diapers. Just a note for the future. Perhaps if we were to sign our own names, it would be easier for the mother-to-be to thank us for the onesie with the words "tax write-off" written across the chest.


4.) And Centerpieces, Pam! Ahhh, centerpieces. These, perhaps you did not realize, are highly sought after in suburban communities. Often painstakingly assembled, it is considered uncouth to actually be eating the centerpiece, while still at the event.
I do understand, of course, that you began eating the centerpiece because you saw me eating the centerpieces. I neglected to point out to you that I was eating the gum on the bottom of the centerpiece, so that the centerpiece itself appeared to remain intact. No one will notice if you remove the bottom layer of candy. I was being "stealth."

If, however, the candy you choose to take are the Crybabies (no, I hadn't had them since 4th grade either), whose removal leaves an enormous bald spot on the side of the centerpiece, it is probably best to just admit what you have done, rather than to try and even out the damage by pinning a dollar bill to the centerpiece, as if we were in a backwater strip club where your cousin had chosen to announce her pregnancy.







5.) Also, may I please say that I love you dearly and if you were actually to stop doing these things, baby showers and other such parties would lose a great deal of their enjoyment for me. Please never change. You are wonderful.


Warm regards from your loving sister,

Raquel