She Is Not Good At Games
"We're going to the diner," Karen said. "To play games."



I have always found it bizarre that, given her track record with board games Karen continues to beg family members to play them with her.

("Name a country on the equator!" someone shouted during a previous game of Outburst. "I'll give you a really really good hint...think about buying a BRA for your ZIL," to which Karen enthusiastically screamed, "ZILBRA!" following up her previous guesses of Oregon, Spain, and New Mexico)

On this occasion (AKA last night) I was playing Trivial Pursuit: The Millennium Edition against Karen and her girlfriend Casey. We had chosen to play from 12:30 AM until 3 in the morning at the Nanuet Diner. We make many questionable decisions.


"Ok," I said, reading from the card. "Orange. What London Cabinetmaker opened a factory in 1749 that later became famous?"

"What London Cabinet maker..." Karen said, trailing off.

"Ok, so who makes cabinets?" Casey thought aloud, encouraging Karen, who appeared to be either drugged or asleep. "And they're famous. Cabinets. Cabinet Makers. AMERICAN HOME FURNISHINGS..."

"...is in America and not London," Karen said, thinking, suddenly slightly awake. "Cabinets. Carpentry." She leans in toward me asking, in a conspiratorial whisper, "So it's not Jesus?"

"No," I tell her. "It's not Jesus."

"Really?"

"He was not actually around in 1749. Also, he was not British."

"That was the only carpenter I could think of," she said, defeated.

"Ok, but brainstorm. Who MAKES things?" Casey asked. She is filled with energy and seems to be summoning answers with her hands, fanning them toward her in excitement. "What was the name of the guy from that movie? He made things out of wood?"

"I actually have no idea? What you're talking about?" Karen said, head tilted to the side.

"That movie."

"Yes?"

"With his workshop?"

"A movie..."

Casey grimaced, pushing her head into her hand. "He made all those things out of wood," she says. "I can even see it-- his workbench all laid out in the scenes behind him. She pauses for a moment while trying to coax it out of herself. And then suddenly, "And Pinocchio! He's the guy who made Pinocchio!"

"MR. GEPETTO?" Karen asks, incredulously. "I'm sorry-- did you just waste two minutes trying to come up with the name of someone who is NOT REAL?"

"It's not based on anything?"

"He's a cartoon!!"

"Ok," she said. "Then never mind. Then it's probably not him."

"So do you guys have a final answer?" I asked. They looked at each other in silent agreement and defeat.

"American Home Furnishings," they said in unison.

"Thomas Chippendale," I said.

"So when he wasn't stripping down to his bow tie," Casey explained, "He was busy making cabinetry."

"Fuck," said Karen, looking with determination toward the next question.


Question Two:

"Ok," I said, a bit further into the game. "Brown. Science and Nature. What organism can grow to 30 times the size of the blue whale?"

Karen and Casey sat back in their booth as if they had been shot.

"Thirty...times?" Karen asked. "Thirty times the size of the BLUE WHALE?"

"What organism can grow to 30 times the size of the blue whale?" I read again, placing the card back in it's holder.

"Whoa," Karen said. "So that question we had a while ago said that the blue whale's tongue can weigh as much as an elephant..."

"Yeah."

"So the whale itself is the size of a couple of school buses. And there's an organism that's THIRTY TIMES AS BIG AS THAT?"

"Think," said Casey.

"I don't know!" she said, flustered. "The Earth??"

"The earth's not an organism," I told her.

"Guess a giant squid," Casey suggested. "They're giant."

"They're not THAT giant," Karen said, flabbergasted.

"They have the word GIANT in the name though! GIANT! GIANT SQUID!"

"It's not giant squid."

"They're supposed to be really big though!"

"It's not that."

"Are you positive?"

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND," Karen said, turning to face her, "that if there were a squid that were THIRTY TIMES THE SIZE OF A BLUE WHALE, that it would not even be able to swim because it would ALREADY BE EVERYWHERE."

"What's thirty times the size of a blue whale then? That's also an organism?"

"Nothing!"

"You can't think of anything?"

"No, that's a guess. Nothing! Nothing is 30 times the size of a blue whale! Can that be it? Can the answer be 'nothing?'" Karen leaned in with abandon.

"The answer is not 'nothing,'" I said.

"SHIT."

"Just guess giant squid!"

"SQUID ARE NOT THAT BIG!"

"But it's a guess!"

"I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT A SQUID THIRTY TIMES THE SIZE OF A BLUE WHALE EXISTING."

"Ok, then what about something that's like a collection of really small organisms, like a coral reef?"

"Maybe," Karen said. "Like a coral reef. Or an amoeba." We each look out the window and envision an enormous amoeba overtaking the parking lot of the Nanuet Mall.

"Ok, not an Amoeba," Karen said. "But like a collection of bacteria. Or a very advanced cloud..." She makes this last suggestion in a dreamy voice, as if this question has killed her and she is drifting off.

"I don't even know what that means," Casey admitted. "I think you're tired."

"Do you have a final answer?" I asked. "Do you want to go with 'very advanced cloud?'"

"NO," Casey said politely. "We will be going with 'giant squid.'" She places her palm on the table in a gesture of finality. "Our answer is 'giant squid.'

"The answer is not giant squid," I said quietly.

"I TOLD YOU," Karen said, suddenly re-animated. "SQUID ARE NOT THAT BIG. I'm going to fall asleep and have a thousand nightmares about squid now." Casey's eyes dart frantically for a moment, summoning a new answer.

"GIANT OCTOPUS! GIANT OCTOPUS!" she shouts, negating her earlier decision. She is hitting on the table as if there is an imaginary buzzer on which she can ring in this new answer.

"You're just naming sea creatures and putting the word 'giant' in front of them." Karen said, incredulous.

"GIANT OCTOPUS! Giant Octopus is my final answer."

"It is also not giant octopus. I don't even think there's such a thing as a giant octopus," I said.

"And it's not the earth," Karen says, recapping.

"No."

"Or a--"

"It's not a very advanced cloud."

Karen purses her lips. "Ok," she says finally. "No idea. Our answer is that we have absolutely no idea."

"Giant sequoia," I tell her.

"Shit," she says.